As the Texas Legislature looks toward legalizing gambling to help our state during this recession, I’ve just learned that South Padre Island could become the home of an upscale resort casino. I started to think, there is money to be made here. Why should the casino owner and nearby Mexican drug cartels get a huge boost?
It is about to become Spring Break year round on that island. That’s why I present a new DVD series: “Gamblers Gone Wild, Volumes 1 and 2!”
ANNOUNCER: Now for the first time, see what your parents and grandparents are really doing with your inheritance!
ELDERLY LADY AT SLOT MACHINE: WOOOOOOO! I won $200!
ANNOUNCER: Taped over the winter months on South Padre Island, you’ll see decadence not even Spring Breakers have seen on this Texas paradise!
[Cut to scene where Seniors in RVs pass by and wave at each other.]
ANNOUNCER: And you don’t know how low we will go!
MAN TO ANOTHER SENIOR LADY: Hey… let me see what you’ve got.
SENIOR LADY: I’ve got this month’s Social Security check.
MAN: Great, come on in.
ANNOUNCER: It’s not just the ladies we are featuring. The boys have something to show, too.
MIDDLE AGE MAN WITH SHIRT UNBUTTONED AND GOLD CHAINS: Ok, I’ve got to win. My mortgage is on the line. Here we go…full house!
DEALER: Four kings, sorry sir.
ANNOUNCER: Oh dear, he’s gone from full house to no house…
MIDDLE AGE MAN: NOOOOOO!!!!!!
ANNOUNCER: Call your order in now, and get Volume 2, “More Texas Slots!”, hosted by Jerry Springer!
[Cut to two women arguing at a slot machine.]
WOMAN #1: I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. That’s my slot! That’s my $135! I had already put $225 in that machine!
WOMAN #2: When your big butt gets off this seat, this machine is fair game!
WOMAN #1: You (expletive)! [The two women begin to fight on the floor.]
ANNOUNCER: To get your DVD, urge your state representative to approve gambling legislation. Some of the money the state of Texas earns with the taxes will go to education-just like the Texas Lottery was supposed to have done!
And remember, mature audiences only.
MAN TO YOUNG WOMAN: Uh, wait how old are you…
YOUNG WOMAN: I’m 17.
MAN TO YOUNG WOMAN: No, you are too young to come in here. Go to the other side of the island to that Spring Break party girls video. They’ll take you there….
ANNOUNCER: Look for other Gamblers Gone Wild DVDs from 11 other locations, including one sure to come to your backyard!
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