Gamblers Gone Wild

As the Texas Legislature looks toward legalizing gambling to help our state during this recession, I’ve just learned that South Padre Island could become the home of an upscale resort casino. I started to think, there is money to be made here. Why should the casino owner and nearby Mexican drug cartels get a huge boost?

It is about to become Spring Break year round on that island. That’s why I present a new DVD series: “Gamblers Gone Wild, Volumes 1 and 2!”

ANNOUNCER: Now for the first time, see what your parents and grandparents are really doing with your inheritance!
ELDERLY LADY AT SLOT MACHINE: WOOOOOOO! I won $200!
ANNOUNCER: Taped over the winter months on South Padre Island, you’ll see decadence not even Spring Breakers have seen on this Texas paradise!
[Cut to scene where Seniors in RVs pass by and wave at each other.]
ANNOUNCER: And you don’t know how low we will go!
MAN TO ANOTHER SENIOR LADY: Hey… let me see what you’ve got.
SENIOR LADY: I’ve got this month’s Social Security check.
MAN: Great, come on in.
ANNOUNCER: It’s not just the ladies we are featuring. The boys have something to show, too.
MIDDLE AGE MAN WITH SHIRT UNBUTTONED AND GOLD CHAINS: Ok, I’ve got to win. My mortgage is on the line. Here we go…full house!
DEALER: Four kings, sorry sir.
ANNOUNCER: Oh dear, he’s gone from full house to no house…
MIDDLE AGE MAN: NOOOOOO!!!!!!
ANNOUNCER: Call your order in now, and get Volume 2, “More Texas Slots!”, hosted by Jerry Springer!
[Cut to two women arguing at a slot machine.]
WOMAN #1: I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. That’s my slot! That’s my $135! I had already put $225 in that machine!
WOMAN #2: When your big butt gets off this seat, this machine is fair game!
WOMAN #1: You (expletive)! [The two women begin to fight on the floor.]
ANNOUNCER: To get your DVD, urge your state representative to approve gambling legislation. Some of the money the state of Texas earns with the taxes will go to education-just like the Texas Lottery was supposed to have done!
And remember, mature audiences only.
MAN TO YOUNG WOMAN: Uh, wait how old are you…
YOUNG WOMAN: I’m 17.
MAN TO YOUNG WOMAN: No, you are too young to come in here. Go to the other side of the island to that Spring Break party girls video. They’ll take you there….
ANNOUNCER: Look for other Gamblers Gone Wild DVDs from 11 other locations, including one sure to come to your backyard!