Goodbye Print! Hello Web!

Have you seen your newspaper shrink away? I’m talking to you Seattle, Denver, San Francisco and almost every metro area in the U.S. Are you holding out, refusing to give up the newsprint that stains your hands to the cold, hard keys of your computer keyboard?

Well, there is no stopping the inevitable. Metro newspapers are going away, and you will have to get your news from the same place everyone gets their gossip, entertainment and new, weird sexual ideas. The internet will be your choice of written news soon. And as a favor to you, I have come up with a temporary newspaper layout that will train you on how you will be reading the paper on the internet:

Look at the front page. The first thing you notice will be a giant Post-It note covering the front page, saying “YOU ARE A WINNER OF A IPOD. GO TO SECTION E TO FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN RECEIVE IT!” When you go to Section E, it will contain 36 pages and 250 steps, purchases and mailing list you will have to get on before you get the iPod.

After throwing the Post-It away, you will see ads on top, below, to the left, and to the right of EVERY story on the front page. Three of every four ads will be from a major phone company.

A new feature after every news story in your new paper will be empty space for you (and who ever else reads your paper) to write your opinions on the topic. Just come up with a cool username (a nickname) and write whatever you are thinking. Here are a couple of examples of opinions you will find on internet stories on a recent story on a news site about Congress and the stimulus bill.

FUNBOY2000: it’s all bush and cheneys fault. they suck!!!!!!!!!!
REALAMERICAN12: Damn Pelosi and Obama! What were we thinking?
BritforlifeUK: you americans are a bunch of bleeding idiots!

Well, you get the idea…

If you have got this far in your new newspaper, quit now. You wouldn’t sit any longer at the computer to read any more news anyway.

Note: Join me next week with my new concept of training you for receiving emails - with letters you already receive in your mailbox. Look for a letter from me that reads as follows:

“This is to remind you that Jesus Christ died for all mankind. He is Lord and Savior and we cannot do anything without him. I sent this to you because you are my friend and I love you. Now, send this letter to 10 more people in the next 24 hours, or you will receive bad luck for the next 11 years….God Bless!”

Gamblers Gone Wild

As the Texas Legislature looks toward legalizing gambling to help our state during this recession, I’ve just learned that South Padre Island could become the home of an upscale resort casino. I started to think, there is money to be made here. Why should the casino owner and nearby Mexican drug cartels get a huge boost?

It is about to become Spring Break year round on that island. That’s why I present a new DVD series: “Gamblers Gone Wild, Volumes 1 and 2!”

ANNOUNCER: Now for the first time, see what your parents and grandparents are really doing with your inheritance!
ELDERLY LADY AT SLOT MACHINE: WOOOOOOO! I won $200!
ANNOUNCER: Taped over the winter months on South Padre Island, you’ll see decadence not even Spring Breakers have seen on this Texas paradise!
[Cut to scene where Seniors in RVs pass by and wave at each other.]
ANNOUNCER: And you don’t know how low we will go!
MAN TO ANOTHER SENIOR LADY: Hey… let me see what you’ve got.
SENIOR LADY: I’ve got this month’s Social Security check.
MAN: Great, come on in.
ANNOUNCER: It’s not just the ladies we are featuring. The boys have something to show, too.
MIDDLE AGE MAN WITH SHIRT UNBUTTONED AND GOLD CHAINS: Ok, I’ve got to win. My mortgage is on the line. Here we go…full house!
DEALER: Four kings, sorry sir.
ANNOUNCER: Oh dear, he’s gone from full house to no house…
MIDDLE AGE MAN: NOOOOOO!!!!!!
ANNOUNCER: Call your order in now, and get Volume 2, “More Texas Slots!”, hosted by Jerry Springer!
[Cut to two women arguing at a slot machine.]
WOMAN #1: I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. That’s my slot! That’s my $135! I had already put $225 in that machine!
WOMAN #2: When your big butt gets off this seat, this machine is fair game!
WOMAN #1: You (expletive)! [The two women begin to fight on the floor.]
ANNOUNCER: To get your DVD, urge your state representative to approve gambling legislation. Some of the money the state of Texas earns with the taxes will go to education-just like the Texas Lottery was supposed to have done!
And remember, mature audiences only.
MAN TO YOUNG WOMAN: Uh, wait how old are you…
YOUNG WOMAN: I’m 17.
MAN TO YOUNG WOMAN: No, you are too young to come in here. Go to the other side of the island to that Spring Break party girls video. They’ll take you there….
ANNOUNCER: Look for other Gamblers Gone Wild DVDs from 11 other locations, including one sure to come to your backyard!